Basking in Query Hell

Dear Uber-Agent,

I would like to take this opportunity to tell you about my 500,000-word "almost" (but not even close) completed suspense novel, The Sucky Writer.

Romance Novelist Elisabeth Naughton has been searching for an agent all her life. Unable to face rejection, she continues to write with no end in sight. She's a panster at heart and doesn't understand the concepts of plotting, or manuscript length or even character arcs. But she knows how to put words on paper, dammit. And she's darn good at it.

When she decides to hone her craft by signing up for a writing workshop from her local writer's group, she thinks she's finally got it made. But the wicked-witch-of-the-west instructor has it out for Elisabeth, and soon our fiesty heroine is fighting for her life amid paper cuts and plotting sheets and little yellow stickies that seem to get stuck in the most inappropriate areas. Can she ever find her way out of the mess she's created? And will that hunky agent she's been stalking for the last five years ever be able to rescue her from the wicked witch's mind-zapping control? And will he want to?

The Sucky Writer is the only book I've ever attempted to write. It combines my 8th grade background in keyboarding with my desire to be the next Danielle Steele. I need a way out of this single-wide trailer and the eight kids tugging on my pant legs. My no-good, dirt-bag husband left me for a younger model last year. But that's another story. And I'll wait until you sign me before I get into it. Woo-hee is that a tale you don't want to miss. That is the last time I let my trash-talking sister set me up on a blind date with our first cousin. The things I could tell you...

If you would like to read more of The Sucky Writer, I could send you at least the first five pages...if I can find some paper that hasn't been colored on, or stepped on, or shredded by those monsters known as children lately. Gimme a minute and let me see what I can find.

Sincerely,

Ima Nutcase